sorry that i haven't been on lately, yatta yatta yatta, lifes been boring, suckish, and repetitive. ive been sticking to the same 1200 regime and today i am afraid i screwed myself...
its not like i binged, i just made the stupid mistake of assuming the amount of calories in olives was lower than i thought...i went to lun ch at jasons delis and got the salad bar with all the low cal vegetables...my mistake?kalamata olives have 40 calories in one 2 olive serving!! wtf? i ate like 10? 8? 12? more or less, i didnt count!! mistake number two!! i feel FAT FAT FAT, i looked up the nutritionals and the specific said the content was ALL FAT. ughhh...so i figured im somewhat safe being that at the most my salad totaled to around 400 calories and i ate 280 calories this morning of a small apple and 2 light natures owns wheat bread slices with 2 whole eggs, then, as a snack i had another small apple and 2 pieces of toast with 10 cal of 1/4 a cup of almond milk totaling 150 calories. jeez, counting calories can be sooo much work.
i need to vent: im tired, moody, angry, sad, depressed, i hate ana, i love ana, i hate ME, i hate my only friend, my world sucks right now and i feel like i am losing my mind, why have i not blogged??? BECAUSE, its the same, its prediactable and i honestly miss lifes unpredictableness..
so now i have the choice, to eat dinner or not, to consume 400 calories or not, do i really need to to make my 1200 goal when i feel THIS fat? idk...wish me luck-chloe
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
on the edge
on the edge of insanity
who am i becoming?
on the edge of insanity
why am i lonely?
on the edge of insanity
i need help please..
cry out, cry out
no one hears because i am cut throat
razor deep, blood spilling
i am not alone..anymore
-chloe
i hate weekends, i remember when i used to look forward to them, ive lost my sense of enthusiasm for anything..
who am i becoming?
on the edge of insanity
why am i lonely?
on the edge of insanity
i need help please..
cry out, cry out
no one hears because i am cut throat
razor deep, blood spilling
i am not alone..anymore
-chloe
i hate weekends, i remember when i used to look forward to them, ive lost my sense of enthusiasm for anything..
who ive become & jumbled thoughts
ive just realized what happened...
i dissapeared..and no one seemed to notice, i wonder what happened in my life that triggered my lost in friends, lack of social abilities, and bodily insecurities..
i moved from new york to texas in 6th grade. in middle school i was always the odd one out, i had friends but only because they had no friends either. we would sit at lunch wishing to be like the other girls, the slutty girls who had the confidence and looks we envied. when i moved the only people i missed were my neighbors, they were my best friends and of the same age, those were the closest relationships i ever had to having a best friend and then i had to lose it all when i moved. in texas i had a really hard time opening up to anyone, i became a hermit but eventually made a lot of friends in my private school, but that didn't last long, one high school came along i occasionally hung out with my friend erica but we were never really best friends. now im losing her and my relationship with everyone esle is nonexistent, ana has taken control and everyday is a struggle. it seems that ive blocken out most memories but now that i am attempting to recall my experiences with food i am not surprised that anorexia ever flourished into what it is now..when i was younger i always had trouble with food and experiencing pleasure from it, it was almost like i hated it and because of that i always stayed very skinny. when i struggled with relationships during the summer of my upcoming sophmore year i ate more out of boredom, that created a dangerous state in which i hated my body and myself even more. i pray to god that i get better someday, im sick of this depression, i had it before ana and i have it now too. its preventing me from LIVING. i want a boyfriend, i want friends, i want to be happy. -chloe
i dissapeared..and no one seemed to notice, i wonder what happened in my life that triggered my lost in friends, lack of social abilities, and bodily insecurities..
i moved from new york to texas in 6th grade. in middle school i was always the odd one out, i had friends but only because they had no friends either. we would sit at lunch wishing to be like the other girls, the slutty girls who had the confidence and looks we envied. when i moved the only people i missed were my neighbors, they were my best friends and of the same age, those were the closest relationships i ever had to having a best friend and then i had to lose it all when i moved. in texas i had a really hard time opening up to anyone, i became a hermit but eventually made a lot of friends in my private school, but that didn't last long, one high school came along i occasionally hung out with my friend erica but we were never really best friends. now im losing her and my relationship with everyone esle is nonexistent, ana has taken control and everyday is a struggle. it seems that ive blocken out most memories but now that i am attempting to recall my experiences with food i am not surprised that anorexia ever flourished into what it is now..when i was younger i always had trouble with food and experiencing pleasure from it, it was almost like i hated it and because of that i always stayed very skinny. when i struggled with relationships during the summer of my upcoming sophmore year i ate more out of boredom, that created a dangerous state in which i hated my body and myself even more. i pray to god that i get better someday, im sick of this depression, i had it before ana and i have it now too. its preventing me from LIVING. i want a boyfriend, i want friends, i want to be happy. -chloe
Thursday, June 3, 2010
making up for it
sorry for my absence, ive had time to go on, just nothing interesting to say really. its weird, my house is silent, just the way i like it. my sisters gone for a retreat all weekend and the house is virtually empty of food. i usually hate cookies, especially chips ahoy, but the other day my mom bought a really good organic kind that didn't look like crap so i was tempted. for 2 days i held off but on tuesday night i gave in and had 8 100 calorie cookies. the funny thing is the first couple were good and totally worth it but being that i haven't had cookies in about a year i scarfed down all of them and began to feel sick, afterwards i purged but lucky me, the apple i had before came out (srry tmi haha). but i made up for it the next day, i wasn't even hungry so i just had 400 calories for dinner which made the same regular 1200 for the day. lately my appetite has been decreasing, food seems more like a chore and im loving it, i couldnt bring myself to eat anything this afternoon so i had a smoothie, for the sake of not ending up in the hospital again i putting off going under 1200. call it recovering, i really dont care, but being that im still losing weight i doubt thats considered recovering. i kinda even enjoy eating 1200 because i have rarely have urges to binge, i just live on an extremely stringent diet plan. the bonus? being vegan gives me the BEST skin! last year i had to wear soo much makeup which didnt even cover it up, yesterday i went to class with NOTHING on:)
i discovered even more thinspo videos on youtube, if you havent already been on the annawillpower channel i totally recommend it, theres TONS of videos on everything from anorexia, to weight loss, to diet fads:)my new fav obsession is that british show from supersize to superskinny, its really interesting!
so lifes quite boring and i better get to studying for my government exam next tuesday:/ im currently loving the blogging community. i read all the blogs but rarely comment, if im on too long my parents might become suspicious.
starve on-chloe
i discovered even more thinspo videos on youtube, if you havent already been on the annawillpower channel i totally recommend it, theres TONS of videos on everything from anorexia, to weight loss, to diet fads:)my new fav obsession is that british show from supersize to superskinny, its really interesting!
so lifes quite boring and i better get to studying for my government exam next tuesday:/ im currently loving the blogging community. i read all the blogs but rarely comment, if im on too long my parents might become suspicious.
starve on-chloe
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
the mia in me
its DISGUSTING, i HATE it...
i hope i dont offend any of you that have bulimia, the only times ive purged is when i have been forced/pressured by my family to eat...so those times that i did i turned to mia for support...i never gained but i also HATED it.
right now, as i sit in my living room im thinking about the carton of fattening ice cream in the fridge..its staring me down, challenging me, i wont touch it even though i can get it down and up in less than 20 minutes, how sick is that? no, I WILL NOT do it, I WILL NOT be responsible for the "missing" ice cream carton, i just know my family will notice and i NEED to pull off this vegan thing...i may be vegetarian/somewhat vegan for ethical purposes but it would be a HUGE lie to say that those decisions aren't influenced by ana.
anyhow, i can totally tell im losing, more than i estimated even, & im still eating 1200 calories a day, my guess is that im at 95-98 but my weight scale is retarded and tells me a new number every time i step on..WORST pet peeve.
well i got to go study, good luck to all of you girls this week:)
-chloe
i hope i dont offend any of you that have bulimia, the only times ive purged is when i have been forced/pressured by my family to eat...so those times that i did i turned to mia for support...i never gained but i also HATED it.
right now, as i sit in my living room im thinking about the carton of fattening ice cream in the fridge..its staring me down, challenging me, i wont touch it even though i can get it down and up in less than 20 minutes, how sick is that? no, I WILL NOT do it, I WILL NOT be responsible for the "missing" ice cream carton, i just know my family will notice and i NEED to pull off this vegan thing...i may be vegetarian/somewhat vegan for ethical purposes but it would be a HUGE lie to say that those decisions aren't influenced by ana.
anyhow, i can totally tell im losing, more than i estimated even, & im still eating 1200 calories a day, my guess is that im at 95-98 but my weight scale is retarded and tells me a new number every time i step on..WORST pet peeve.
well i got to go study, good luck to all of you girls this week:)
-chloe
Saturday, May 22, 2010
NO EATING ALLOWED
fries...popcorn...i hate them, the thought of these foods sickens me. want a guess a the calories in the average french fries and movie theatre popcorn? the answer...ALOTTT, & NO ONE even needs to know because the thought shouldn't cross your mind. not to mention the HUGE amount of FAT..
ugh, i have an essay to write but all i can think about is ana. its becoming SO HARD to concentrate and i have a huge headache. i might go to the beach tommorow so im trying to finish my essay today, as of right now i only have the first paragraph, haha, i keep procrastinating by reading pro ana blogs. however, i admit its fun:) so i went shopping..
tip of the day: SHOP, SHOP, SHOP is all I can say, get the SMALLEST clothes, size 00 and xs, its motivating and completely thinspiring (is that even a word, lol)...i got the cutuest short romper at target, 2 pairs of workout capris, and a hot new bikini xxs, i cant wait to go to the beach;) no eating allowed!
-chloe
ugh, i have an essay to write but all i can think about is ana. its becoming SO HARD to concentrate and i have a huge headache. i might go to the beach tommorow so im trying to finish my essay today, as of right now i only have the first paragraph, haha, i keep procrastinating by reading pro ana blogs. however, i admit its fun:) so i went shopping..
tip of the day: SHOP, SHOP, SHOP is all I can say, get the SMALLEST clothes, size 00 and xs, its motivating and completely thinspiring (is that even a word, lol)...i got the cutuest short romper at target, 2 pairs of workout capris, and a hot new bikini xxs, i cant wait to go to the beach;) no eating allowed!
-chloe
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