progress...

...but it will NEVER be enough...
-chloe

the mia in me

its DISGUSTING, i HATE it...
i hope i dont offend any of you that have bulimia, the only times ive purged is when i have been forced/pressured by my family to eat...so those times that i did i turned to mia for support...i never gained but i also HATED it.

right now, as i sit in my living room im thinking about the carton of fattening ice cream in the fridge..its staring me down, challenging me, i wont touch it even though i can get it down and up in less than 20 minutes, how sick is that? no, I WILL NOT do it, I WILL NOT be responsible for the "missing" ice cream carton, i just know my family will notice and i NEED to pull off this vegan thing...i may be vegetarian/somewhat vegan for ethical purposes but it would be a HUGE lie to say that those decisions aren't influenced by ana.

anyhow, i can totally tell im losing, more than i estimated even, & im still eating 1200 calories a day, my guess is that im at 95-98 but my weight scale is retarded and tells me a new number every time i step on..WORST pet peeve.

well i got to go study, good luck to all of you girls this week:)
-chloe

NO EATING ALLOWED

fries...popcorn...i hate them, the thought of these foods sickens me. want a guess a the calories in the average french fries and movie theatre popcorn? the answer...ALOTTT, & NO ONE even needs to know because the thought shouldn't cross your mind. not to mention the HUGE amount of FAT..

ugh, i have an essay to write but all i can think about is ana. its becoming SO HARD to concentrate and i have a huge headache. i might go to the beach tommorow so im trying to finish my essay today, as of right now i only have the first paragraph, haha, i keep procrastinating by reading pro ana blogs. however, i admit its fun:) so i went shopping..

tip of the day: SHOP, SHOP, SHOP is all I can say, get the SMALLEST clothes, size 00 and xs, its motivating and completely thinspiring (is that even a word, lol)...i got the cutuest short romper at target, 2 pairs of workout capris, and a hot new bikini xxs, i cant wait to go to the beach;) no eating allowed!

-chloe

wrong with me

do you ever question your sanity?

why don't i eat like everyone esle?

why don't i think like everyone esle?

why am i not normal?

whats wrong with me?

for the longest time ive always felt isolated from my surroundings, even questioning the realms of reality. i may never know if i am truly insane but when it comes to food i know i am truly disordered.

it is honestly laughable that some people assume people with anorexia and/or bulimia are unaware of there disorders. every person with an ed that i have ever met was educated and conscious of their ilness and its causes and symptoms. call it an illness, call it a lifestyle, call it whatever but the fact is if you have anorexia your NEVER getting out. whether recovered or not you will never TRULY be unattached from the grips of ana. its ALWAYS there.

in a sick way of thinking, im in love with ana, i treat her like a god up on a pedestal and i feel ashamed for it. i wish i would spend more time concentrating on other things like my faith in the catholic religion and friends and family but i just enjoy ana too much.

im a natural thrill seeker and the truth is that slowly starving myself makes me happy, in the end, i benefit from it, emotionally, physically, mentally, wrong or not...just thinking..
-chloe

twisting minds

you could say im nervous, im getting my sat scores tomorrow and being the perfectionist that i am my goal is to get a high enough score to be accepted to the ivy-leagues. im gonna wake up at 12:01 to see if my scores are released. anyhow, ive been super busy with school so ive decided that my posts will be random, not obligatory.

ive consistently been eating 1200 while slowly losing...probably 5 pounds in the last month, my dad is already noticing but i honestly dont give a crap, i hate my dad most of the time and i enjoy twisting his mind in confusion.

why would you want to look like one of those anorexic models?

because their beautiful.

why don't you have a piece of apple pie, it wont kill you.

obesity is one of leading causes of death in america, that 'piece' of apple pie will add up and suffocate my body in fat cells.

guys dont like stick thin girls.

guys dont like fat cows either and i dont care about the opinion of guys right now, i have no sex drive, especially in a town where 1 in 3 girl gets pregant before the end of high school..yes thats true.

i wish he would just shut up and dissapear sometimes, my dad is a loser wiht only a high school education, hes never been able to consistently support my family and hes immature, hes what makes me want to leave this godforsaken town even more than i already want to.

right now my sisters stuffing her face with a crunch bar and apple pie, i shouldn't be jealous, she should be, im not the one getting fat.

i feel enormous, like my stomach is about to burst, i hate eating, i hate food, i hate that my family is watching my like a hawk and making comments about my eating habits that i can clearly hear through these paper thin walls.

breakfast: natha

lunch: pear, 1 fake sausage pattie, 1/2 potato, 2 pieces of toast with soy milk

snack: 2 small apples, 70 calories vegan burger
dinner: pear, 2 pieces of toast 1/4 cup of black beans, 2 apples, 1 1/2 cups of fiber one

crap, moms coming, g2g
starve on
-chloe

in hiding

sorry about the absence these last couple of days, i couldn't get to a computer but i promise ive stayed good :p ive even been able to sneak in some great workouts! everyday i go on 1 1/2 to 2 mile walks with my family and dogs but i dont figure it into my calories counting because everyone is supposed to exercise for a minimum of 30-60 minutes a day depending on the source.

last summer, when i was at my worst weight, i burned nearly 800 calories per day! it was amazing & i miss it so much but my parents wont get me a gym membership because they know about my cradybradia (slow heartbeat), but as far as they know, an environmental allergic reaction caused it (according to the useless doctors lol), i know the REAL reason.

so today i ran 2 miles at 9am and felt great:) after taking a shower and prolonging breakfast i ate a 120 calorie pear, 2 maple flavored vegetarian sausage patties from morningstar, and 2 light wheat nature's own 40 calorie bread with 20 calories of soymilk (mixed with no calorie vanilla flavoring and splenda it creates the best 100 calorie cereal)

when i came home from church i had another 120 calorie pear, 2 of the same kind of sausage patties, and another 120 calorie pear, lol

tip of the day: mustard heightens your metabolism by nearly 50 extra kcal's burned 1 hour afterwards, i had my veg sausage patties with mustard & they were delicious

so far, for dinner ive had about 150 calories altogether of mixed fruit and a 15 calories of a sugarfree watermelon paleta/popsicle, so ill probably have cereal and an apple later

i felt sooo full today but it defiantly wards off eating anything high calorie...

my biggest pet peeve: when my my or dad goes grocery shopping and gets the WORST high calories, high fat, DISGUSTING food, I WONT TOUCH IT, I REFUSE TO TOUCH IT---this is my mantra, ana telling me constantly to not break free and have that slice of cake "just once", because i know if i do, I.WILL.BECOME.FAT

i cannot wait to go to college and STARVE all i want and eat ritually ALL I WANT, i cannot wait to breathe and not be reminded of my abnormalities because honestly, I COULD CARE LESS. my family puts me on the brink of insanity sometimes, especially when these atrocities linger in the cabinets;

potato chips(grosss, NOT even tempted)
strawberry cake
peanut butter
crackers
macaroni and cheese
...& more,

i feel SICK just thinking about, ana knows, ana says NEVER to go there, and I WONT

stay strong
-chloe








"when average is not good enough"

"you look like a stick"

"you look like a stick", thanks=D no, REALLY! i take that as a compliment.

have any of you ever been on the receiving end of such ignorant comments? where a person says something with an agenda of bothering you when in reality your LOVING it. guess what, thats been the story of my life since i lost weight and its ALMOST irritating, whatevs...

onto the eats:

breakfast: 2 cups of coffee, 2 cups of green tea

lunch: 2 cups of green tea, 100 calories apple, 1/4 cup of black beans, 2 egg whites, mushrooms, & spinach on 2 slices of 40 calorie natures own light wheat bread toasted (delishh!)= about 400 calories

so not much so far, im just super full & i must say that ive developed a abnormal dependence on apples ever since the beginning of my anorexia. as of right now, there are NONE in the house and im going CRAZY, i need apples to survive, there the one food where i feel like im doing the word HEALTHY justice.

so very much a boring day, i came home early from school at 1pm, took a nap, did some reading, and watched the biggest loser..tip of the day: lots of thinspo on talkshows, especially health talkshows like dr.oz and the doctors, you can get soo many tips on low calorie foods and workouts, i totally recommend;)

hope you had a great day!, as always
-chloe

a good day

lets get straight to it:

breakfast: 2 cups of coffee, 2 cups of green tea

lunch: 2 diet vanilla coke zeros (yummm)

dinner: 4 slices of 40 calorie nature's own light wheat bread: 160 calories, 2 cups of blacks beans: about 180 calories, 3 servings garlic french bread: 350 calories, 2 100 calories apples

snack: "french toast": 2 slices of 40 calorie nature's own light wheat bread, 1/4 cup of soymilk, 100 calorie apple

total: about 1100

what can i say, ima carb whore:p lol

theres something about 1200 calories that gives you an advantage over any less amount, your metabolism stays more balanced, therefore you burn more when your maintaining, plus, theres no hunger involved, im getting used to it, only a couple months ago i was running on barely anything, the awesome thing about losing is the feeling of satiety much faster simply because my stomach has shrunk!

i always like experimenting with my eating habits, just recently i was eating every 2-3 hours in small 100-200 calories increments, then i got bored and changed to my current one meal a day spread out between 4:00 to 9:00, this might be considered a binge for some of you guys but it seems to be working well for me & it completely convinces my parents that im "maintaining" my weight, haha.

i would write more but schools crazy right now, heres the jest of it..ap integrated physics and chemistry, ap economics, dual american government 1, dual spanish 1 native, and dual pre-calculus...in other words, no break this summer & more importantly, busy, busy busy! no chance to be bored meaning less thoughts about eating, yay!

lets talk later? kk
-chloe

art?

i. write. gibberish.

bruises identify me
this winter was the coldest
my memory betrays me
snow warmer than a texas holiday?
for me only
i shiver, i tremble
no amount of steam
no amount of heat
can warm me
my hair thins
im winning
a victory
something im good at
better than anyone esle
i bask in the endless prosperity
of freeing myself
'lightening the load'
read, breathe, no time is a waste
examining a warriors scars
reminded of my paid debts
my commitments
now i barely pay attention
only a glance
they shame me

i hope you recognize the familiarities.. its about time i also mention that i have characteristics of mia, i rarely make myself throw up, usually less than once a month, call it ednos if you want, labels do not fool me
-chloe

reflections

wow, i wasn't even hungry today, i was busy at school i pretty much forgot about eating. being preoccupied with my classes helps me avoid the constant thoughts about food. its tiring to always have to worry about your next meal or worry about NOT having your next meal. even an event during first period didn't get me down..

We were doing our physics classwork and the whole class randomly got called for a fitness gram or test, so they weighed us and measured our heights. GREATTT! i thought, just great, so i can see the nurses shocked face at my LOW, underweight bmi, yeah right. if people only knew what I think of my FAT thighs. NO ONE can convince me otherwise.

Well, i got up on the scale and it said 103! Thats when I realized that I drank nearly a gallon of water this morning, thank god it was still in my system. fluids always seem to fool the scale in addition to heavy jewelry, and layers of clothes (none of which i was wearing). so I'm not sure how accurate my scale at home and the one at school are but i know for sure that I've been losing weight. I CAN FEEL IT, its like I JUST KNOW when im gaining or losing, I LOVE IT:)

So heres the jest of the day for ya:

breakfast: 2 cups of coffee (black, as always), 2 cups of (diet, duhh) green tea, 32 oz of water

lunch: water

dinner: smart ones fetucinni alfredo-240 calories, smart ones macaroni and cheese-270 calories, 100 calorie apple

[i wasn't really hungry when i began eating but my appetite changed and i totally felt famished] then my mom made some AMAZING pre-packaged garlic bread that 115 calories per slice, i had 2 and a 110 calorie potato with about 10 calories of promise fat free margarine (only 5 cal per tablespoon!)

snack: 50 calories of green grapes, 120 calories apple, 40 calories vanilla soymilk

A success! Didn't feel hungry, didn't gain weight, and best of all, IM LOSING WEIGHT! slowly but surely im becoming smaller, i want people to stare even more. I love having control and I love the attention. Something amazing happened today, I listened to my instincts when I craved food, I almost never eat the food my Mom makes but I had the extra calories left over and my body wanted carbs so I ate em! I know most of you pro ana girls are probably thinking I'm a fat cow but I trying to learn moderation because moderation is key.

I have always been to type to go to extremes, too much, too little, never in between, even before anorexia I was a freakin' twig and i HATED my body sometimes because I never had boobs or curves like other girls. Now I can say I'm grateful for my a-cups and thankful for my wafe body, I EMBRACE it. I still feel fat a lot but it sure beats last year when sweatshirts became a staple of my fashion

Starve On!
-Chloe

I hope someones reading this

So I'm trying out this new thing where I continue eating 1200 calories a day but I don't eat breakfast. It makes me feel fat, overweight, and disgusting but it prevents me from feeling hungry at night, so I don't binge. Binging is my worst fear, in reality the only time I have ever binged was when I was being threatened to go to treatment by my parents. I just ate so I could move the scale up near the high 90's.

But let me remind you, my family is NOWHERE near normal (i doubt any family is). In fact, my own Mother even had her own flirtation with anorexia when she was in her early twenties. The weird thing is she NEVER talks about. She mentioned it only once or twice but I think she is embarrassed. I almost wish she would tell me more but I rather not bring up the subject.

This morning I went to church at 12 and afterwards ate at a Mexican restaurant for Mother' Day. EWWW, Mexican food is DISGUSTING to say the least, so much oil, grease, and fat is layered over every particle of food only to make all the overweight people even more obese. My family had been there before so I knew what my options were, of course, I went with the lowest available calories (a salad).

Honestly, I'm scared. I'm scared for my sister, she's around 5'3 or 5'4 and continues to gain weight slowly, I have no idea how much she weighs because I'm convinced shes lying when she says shes 109. She looks around 120 or so and isn't incredibly fat but her habits WILL get her there. I DO NOT want her to go the ED route but I do try to get her to eat healthy. Though, she almost NEVER does. She ordered beef quesidillas, and my Mom ordered gumbo soup. My Mom doesn't eat meat (eversince I became vegan), the only 'exception' is fish.

I try to spread out my meals into increments so I don't feel too bloated and 'heavy'...

What I ate today:

breakfast: 2 cups of coffee, 4 cups of green tea

lunch: about 200 calories of grilled vegetable salad and side of vegetable soup

snack: 100 calorie apple, 2 more cups of green tea

dinner: 310 calorie smart one sante fe rice and beans microwavable meal

2 slices of nature's own light wheat bread: 80

snack: 100 calorie apple

I feel weak on the ed front as of right now. It's like I'm trapped, mostly because of living with my parents. I know I am mature enough to live on my own and I cannot wait until college when I won't have my family around to watch my every move.
I'm not oblivious to the fact that they sense I have an ed, after all, I have been diagnosed with anorexia, however, in my family its rarely talked about.

Sometimes I just wanna SCREAMMM!!! Its so frustrating when my Dad constantly talks about his weight fluctuating. I hear about weight in my family EVERYDAY, yet when it comes to me, its not enough, it never enough. Whether its diet food or vegan food their convinced I'm starving myself. HAHA, I'd like to laugh in their face, IF they only knew what starving meant to me. In the beginning of the year I nearly fainted at a football game with my friend B, I hadn't eaten for 3 days, no laxies, no fiber pills or coffee, only water. That was the longest I had ever fasted and that night I finally broke down and ate a 400 calorie vegetable egg white omelet at IHOP.

As of right now I feel like I'm all over the place when writing, through time I'm sure I'll get better at not confusing the hell out of you guys, that if anyones even reading this?!? lol:P Well tommorow I have WONDERFUL school (sarcasm)and its the first day of my summer classes at the community college. btw I'm studying to get an associates in education while still a junior in high school (& a sophmore in college), confusing huh? So I'm only 16, meaning that I've been ana for less than a year.

I'll end this post with the best of wishes ladies:)

STARVE ON!
-Chloe

Just the beginning...

I have sooo much to write and I anticipate many future blog entries of the normal-or, rather abnormal life of your average struggling anorexic. It feels like for so long I have been hiding behind this shadow, just barely getting by, reading pro ana blogs and surviving on tips, tricks, and thinspiration, but now its time for me to share my story...

For worry of revealing my true identity you can refer to me as 'Chloe'. Its difficult to recall a time when I had normal eating patterns, now it just all seems to be a blur. The summer before my sophmore year of high school I went into what some might call a deep depression. As a result I gained nearly 20-30 unwanted pounds from eating pure crap. By the time I started school my self esteem was at an all time low and I was horrified when I realized my bad habits led me into my size 6 jeans. (DISGUSTING! I knoww). Before, I had always been super skinny, a size zero, and never took a second thought about how healthy I was eating because I was physically active in school and in sports. However, everything changed that summer.

I regret everything that occurred during those 3 painful months. I had lost all my friends, was transitioning to a new school, and was just pain out miserable. I contemplated suicide and my family always made comments about my ever increasing weight and diminishing looks. During the rest of the school year I battled my low self esteem and constanly attempted failed diets until I decided to become a vegetarian during lent. From then on I suppose my eating disorder became a mainplace in my life.

Fast forward to summer, before my junior year of high school, I had already lost 10-15 pounds from cutting my intake and going vegetarian (my family didn't even own a scale!) Some people noticed but a size 4 in jeans was a joke to me, especially when size zero had been such a comfort zone before my weight gain. During the summer I got a gym membership, made a goal to burn at least 800 calories a day and limited by daily intake to 800-1000 calories a day. The funny thing is I never consistently ate an incredibly low amount of calories. Some days I ate 300, 600, sometimes nothing, but my weakness has always been long term fasting so I didn't even bother, yet by the time school started back up again I was a measley size zero again (yes!) and only 95 pounds.

Since then suspicions have risen but I REFUSE to backdown. I somewhat hide behind the 'cover' that I am vegan, but I honestly am revolted by the meat industry and the inhumane acts associated with factory farming. I love animals and any harm done to them completely takes away ANY appetite I have for food with animal derivatives. I am a perfecttionist and I am wise enough to know that if I continue to lose weight I will die of starvation. Yet, my ED tells me to push myself to the limit, cause heck, its fun.

For a moment I was recovered, my Dad took me to the doctor to get weighed and diagnosed. it took them 2 hours to conclude that I was anorexic. (duhh) It took me 3 months to become anorexic and I was being told something I already knew. For the sake of my parents I gained 10 pounds after this diagnosis (in January). Afterwards I realized just how much I miss anorexia.

Anorexia will NEVER go away, its always the little voice in my head. Call it the devil on my shoulder, I don't care anymore because I'm sick of this hypocritical world. For me the hardest part is finding a medium, somewhere in between two extremes. The only problem is, for me, a 'healthly' weight is a FAT weight. I feel fine where I am now, I just need your encouragement to stay ana because it is where my heart is most content at.