reflections

wow, i wasn't even hungry today, i was busy at school i pretty much forgot about eating. being preoccupied with my classes helps me avoid the constant thoughts about food. its tiring to always have to worry about your next meal or worry about NOT having your next meal. even an event during first period didn't get me down..

We were doing our physics classwork and the whole class randomly got called for a fitness gram or test, so they weighed us and measured our heights. GREATTT! i thought, just great, so i can see the nurses shocked face at my LOW, underweight bmi, yeah right. if people only knew what I think of my FAT thighs. NO ONE can convince me otherwise.

Well, i got up on the scale and it said 103! Thats when I realized that I drank nearly a gallon of water this morning, thank god it was still in my system. fluids always seem to fool the scale in addition to heavy jewelry, and layers of clothes (none of which i was wearing). so I'm not sure how accurate my scale at home and the one at school are but i know for sure that I've been losing weight. I CAN FEEL IT, its like I JUST KNOW when im gaining or losing, I LOVE IT:)

So heres the jest of the day for ya:

breakfast: 2 cups of coffee (black, as always), 2 cups of (diet, duhh) green tea, 32 oz of water

lunch: water

dinner: smart ones fetucinni alfredo-240 calories, smart ones macaroni and cheese-270 calories, 100 calorie apple

[i wasn't really hungry when i began eating but my appetite changed and i totally felt famished] then my mom made some AMAZING pre-packaged garlic bread that 115 calories per slice, i had 2 and a 110 calorie potato with about 10 calories of promise fat free margarine (only 5 cal per tablespoon!)

snack: 50 calories of green grapes, 120 calories apple, 40 calories vanilla soymilk

A success! Didn't feel hungry, didn't gain weight, and best of all, IM LOSING WEIGHT! slowly but surely im becoming smaller, i want people to stare even more. I love having control and I love the attention. Something amazing happened today, I listened to my instincts when I craved food, I almost never eat the food my Mom makes but I had the extra calories left over and my body wanted carbs so I ate em! I know most of you pro ana girls are probably thinking I'm a fat cow but I trying to learn moderation because moderation is key.

I have always been to type to go to extremes, too much, too little, never in between, even before anorexia I was a freakin' twig and i HATED my body sometimes because I never had boobs or curves like other girls. Now I can say I'm grateful for my a-cups and thankful for my wafe body, I EMBRACE it. I still feel fat a lot but it sure beats last year when sweatshirts became a staple of my fashion

Starve On!
-Chloe