Saturday, May 8, 2010

Just the beginning...

I have sooo much to write and I anticipate many future blog entries of the normal-or, rather abnormal life of your average struggling anorexic. It feels like for so long I have been hiding behind this shadow, just barely getting by, reading pro ana blogs and surviving on tips, tricks, and thinspiration, but now its time for me to share my story...

For worry of revealing my true identity you can refer to me as 'Chloe'. Its difficult to recall a time when I had normal eating patterns, now it just all seems to be a blur. The summer before my sophmore year of high school I went into what some might call a deep depression. As a result I gained nearly 20-30 unwanted pounds from eating pure crap. By the time I started school my self esteem was at an all time low and I was horrified when I realized my bad habits led me into my size 6 jeans. (DISGUSTING! I knoww). Before, I had always been super skinny, a size zero, and never took a second thought about how healthy I was eating because I was physically active in school and in sports. However, everything changed that summer.

I regret everything that occurred during those 3 painful months. I had lost all my friends, was transitioning to a new school, and was just pain out miserable. I contemplated suicide and my family always made comments about my ever increasing weight and diminishing looks. During the rest of the school year I battled my low self esteem and constanly attempted failed diets until I decided to become a vegetarian during lent. From then on I suppose my eating disorder became a mainplace in my life.

Fast forward to summer, before my junior year of high school, I had already lost 10-15 pounds from cutting my intake and going vegetarian (my family didn't even own a scale!) Some people noticed but a size 4 in jeans was a joke to me, especially when size zero had been such a comfort zone before my weight gain. During the summer I got a gym membership, made a goal to burn at least 800 calories a day and limited by daily intake to 800-1000 calories a day. The funny thing is I never consistently ate an incredibly low amount of calories. Some days I ate 300, 600, sometimes nothing, but my weakness has always been long term fasting so I didn't even bother, yet by the time school started back up again I was a measley size zero again (yes!) and only 95 pounds.

Since then suspicions have risen but I REFUSE to backdown. I somewhat hide behind the 'cover' that I am vegan, but I honestly am revolted by the meat industry and the inhumane acts associated with factory farming. I love animals and any harm done to them completely takes away ANY appetite I have for food with animal derivatives. I am a perfecttionist and I am wise enough to know that if I continue to lose weight I will die of starvation. Yet, my ED tells me to push myself to the limit, cause heck, its fun.

For a moment I was recovered, my Dad took me to the doctor to get weighed and diagnosed. it took them 2 hours to conclude that I was anorexic. (duhh) It took me 3 months to become anorexic and I was being told something I already knew. For the sake of my parents I gained 10 pounds after this diagnosis (in January). Afterwards I realized just how much I miss anorexia.

Anorexia will NEVER go away, its always the little voice in my head. Call it the devil on my shoulder, I don't care anymore because I'm sick of this hypocritical world. For me the hardest part is finding a medium, somewhere in between two extremes. The only problem is, for me, a 'healthly' weight is a FAT weight. I feel fine where I am now, I just need your encouragement to stay ana because it is where my heart is most content at.

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